Catch Contempt Early
This month we are exploring the theme of Relational Generosity.
The first thing we might consider is our attitude and actions towards others, especially our spouse or partner. But relational generosity is a mindset that we need to practice with ourselves as well.
And the main thing that gets in the way of our ability to be humble, flexible, warm, and compassionate (ie, generous) toward ourselves and others is … contempt.
I never really had a handle on what contempt really meant until I started learning more about Relational Life Therapy. But once I’ve been able to name it, I see it everywhere. In our culture, in myself, and in my clients.
Contempt is defined as: The feeling that a person or thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
When we direct contempt at others, that is called Grandiosity (You are bad!). When we direct contempt at ourselves, that is called Shame (I am bad!). Interesting, isn’t it? It’s the same thing, just pointed in different directions.
In order to leverage our better, more centered, and loving selves, we need to learn to catch contempt early. This requires a firm boundary with it. A commitment to do no harm – to others or to ourselves.
This boundary in RLT language is called a Containing Boundary. Meaning, when we feel like doing or saying something nasty to ourselves or others, we …
STOP, BREATHE, and THINK: Does this drop below the level of basic decency?
If yes, we hold it in. We don’t let it out.
The trick here is that it will want to come out. Contempt (shame/grandiosity) can become like a bad habit – it will almost feel right to go back there. And holding it in will feel unnatural – like trying to control a sneeze. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s doable.
We also need to remember that showing contempt to ourselves and others does actual harm. It’s not a simple annoyance like a sneeze. Contempt is often the root of psychological and physical violence. It does damage.
So, if we want a more reasonable and peaceful world, learning to catch our contempt early is a good start. It will allow us more space to practice being relationally generous. So the next time you’re about to blast yourself or someone else with contempt, remember …
STOP, BREATHE, and THINK.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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