Drop the Moral Superiority
This is our third week discussing April’s theme of Radical Ownership in relationships.
Today’s topic: Moral Superiority.
It sounds kind of nasty, doesn’t it? Yeah… that’s because it is. 🙂
Of course, none of us would ever stoop so low as to position ourselves as the good one, the reasonable one, the one doing all the work, the one carrying the heavy burden of dealing with an immature partner… right?
Oooof.
Well, at least speaking for myself, I can say I absolutely fall into this mentality at times.
“If only my wife would do XYZ, then things would be better.”
That’s how it can sound in my mind on a bad day.
The trouble with Moral Superiority is that it isn’t relational at all. It’s inherently one-up. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT) terms, it’s grandiosity—a position where we view our partner as less than, beneath us, or somehow dragging us down.
Terry Real says the dirty little secret about grandiosity is that it feels good. He says something to the effect of:
“Shame-based people have pain. Grandiose people have problems.”
So why would we adopt a position of Moral Superiority?
Because it feels powerful. It creates a false sense of control over something that is inherently unpredictable—a relationship. And it allows us to avoid vulnerability, which always carries the risk of hurt or disappointment.
The Problem with Moral Superiority
Moral Superiority keeps us stuck in a defensive position.
We stop engaging. We stop showing warmth. We stop trying to meet our partner halfway.
Instead, we dig our heels in and wait for our partner to change their behavior before we consider risking again. Now, we absolutely can do this. It just doesn’t work very well if the goal is to build the kind of loving relationship we actually want.
What to Do Instead
Get off your moral high horse. Remember that your partner is a person too—a person with flaws. Yes… just like you. Instead of holding onto resentment, judging from a distance, or playing the role of the self-righteous victim, start taking responsibility for yourself.
Roll up your sleeves and work for what you want.
When you feel frustrated: Pause. Breathe. Think.
Ask yourself:
What does love require of me in this moment? How can I speak up for myself in a loving way?
If your partner responds well—great. That’s a good moment for both of you.
And if your partner doesn’t respond well, make a commitment to yourself not to drop below the line of basic human decency. Take a break. Take care of yourself. Go on having a good day.
It may be a good moment for you, but not for your partner. Sometimes—even in great relationships—we don’t show up well for each other. That’s life. But it’s still your job to stay in your relational lane and resist the pull toward Moral Superiority.
That’s Radical Ownership.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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