Listen to Understand
Today I want to share an idea that can help you nurture your relationships: listening to understand.
How often do you really listen—sitting with what someone is saying, asking follow-up questions, and being a good student of the person across from you?
I know for me, it can be hard not to jump to assumptions when I hear something I don’t like or disagree with. I also see this as a root issue in many struggles people bring to my counseling office.
A couple, for example, might go round and round saying the same things, but never pause to check whether the other person feels understood. Both speak—but neither feels close.
Thich Nhat Hanh once wrote, “Deep understanding is the substance of which love is made.” I love that. Unless we understand another person—and express that understanding—we’ll struggle to love them well. Without understanding, we love others from our own needs, fears, or frustrations.
How we want to be loved isn’t always how someone else wants to be loved. And to figure that out, we have to listen.
People often mistake closeness for agreement. They assume that if someone disagrees with them, they can’t be close. But that’s simply not true. We’ve learned to seek agreement rather than understanding.
It’s fine to agree on some things, but agreement alone doesn’t create closeness. I know many couples who share similar values yet feel worlds apart—until they practice listening to understand.
When we listen well, people feel heard, cared for, and loved. And disagreement becomes easier when we know we’re cared for.
So here’s my challenge for you this week: Slow down. Get curious. Ask more questions. Reflect back what you hear. Pause your rebuttals. Lean in—and listen to understand.
Chances are, you’ll feel closer to the other person when you do.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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