Moving Beyond Co-dependence
The word “co-dependence” gets thrown around a lot in self-help and therapy circles. Generally, it refers to a pattern of relating in which a person’s sense of identity, worth, and emotional stability becomes overly tied to meeting the needs, moods, or approval of others—often at the expense of their own needs and boundaries.
This dynamic can show up as:
Difficulty saying no or setting limits
Over-responsibility for others’ feelings or outcomes
Deriving self-worth from being needed, helpful, or self-sacrificing
Fear of abandonment or conflict that leads to people-pleasing or control
“Co-dependence” isn’t my favorite descriptor for these behaviors. It can be pathologizing and shaming, subtly implying that something is wrong with a person rather than recognizing how these patterns often develop as adaptive responses.
Dr. Robert Weiss addressed this very issue in his book Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, written in response to the frequent misapplication of the term.
Especially after a significant relational rupture—like betrayal—behaviors such as seeking safety, wanting closeness, overfunctioning for a dysfunctional partner, or even staying in a relationship when things have become toxic are not automatically bad or wrong. They are often attempts to preserve connection, stability, and family.
In a podcast, I once heard Dr. Weiss say something along these lines:
What do we call a person who sacrifices to help their partner through a severe medical condition like cancer, regardless of what it costs them? A hero.
What do we call a person who sacrifices to help manage their partner’s addictive or destructive behavior, regardless of what it costs them? A co-dependent.
Something about that doesn’t sit right. We should be able to honor a partner’s attempts to love, protect, and hold their family together—without implying there is something inherently wrong with them.
I don’t yet have a better word than co-dependence. And honestly, prodependence sounds a little goofy to me. But regardless of the label we use, the real goal is the same: helping people get in touch with what they want, and then honestly assessing whether their behaviors—right or wrong—are actually helping them get it.
If they are, great; if they’re not, there’s no shame in that—we simply need to learn new skills.
Some interdependent skills that support growth for all of us include:
Regulation practices: mindfulness, meditation, yoga, prayer, cold exposure, movement, and reaching out to a trusted friend
Speaking up with love: clear, brief, heartfelt communication—less venting, processing, or being passive-aggressive
Psychological boundaries: protecting and containing your inner world so it isn’t consumed by someone else’s
Counting the cost: getting honest about what you are—and are not—willing to live with
Releasing the outcome: we can influence others, but we cannot control them; the more we try, the more we push people away
Cherishing what you have: even while working on what’s hard, intentionally naming and savoring what’s good
If you find yourself defaulting to co-dependent behaviors, take a breath. This is often a sign of deep care, great love, and a sincere desire to build something meaningful in your relationships.
The key question isn’t What’s wrong with me? it’s Is this actually helping me get what I want?
Here’s to moving beyond codependence.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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