Use Your Protective Boundary
I’ve been listening to Terry Real’s audiobook Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love, and there’s a line that really caught my attention. Here’s my best paraphrase:
“If you get wounded by what another person thinks or feels about you, that is a protective boundary failure.”
In other words, if someone spouts nonsense and you feel hurt… that part is on you. It’s your job to protect yourself from things that are not true. When we take everything personally, we become love-dependent—needing others to be okay with us so that we can be okay with ourselves.
So let’s talk about how to use a protective boundary.
Terry describes a protective boundary like your house. Things only come in if you let them in. A protective boundary is not a wall; it’s active discernment. It’s like the door of the house. And you activate it by asking yourself one simple question:
Is anything true for me?
If you ask that question and you find no real evidence that what the other person is saying is true about you, that’s your cue to remind yourself: This moment is about them, not me. Take a breath. Sidestep the nonsense. Don’t take it personally.
Here’s the key part: a protective boundary actually allows us to stay relational. Because we’re not flooded or defensive, we can hang in there, get curious about the other person’s experience, and try to help the relationship, to the degree that the relationship matters to us.
For example, if your partner says, “I feel like you don’t do anything special for me anymore,” your boundary helps you not collapse into shame or defensiveness. At the same time, because this relationship matters, it does behoove you to lean in, understand what they’re feeling, and respond with care.
Now contrast that with this scenario: a barista at a random coffee shop notices your low tip and says, “Thanks for nothing!” Again—use your protective boundary. Don’t take it personally. This isn’t about you. Don’t pick up and carry someone else’s garbage. You’re also not obligated to overly invest in this person’s inner world—you’ll never see them again. Chalk it up to someone having a bad day and move on.
Finally, if in using your protective boundary you ask, “Is anything true for me?” and realize, Oof… yes, there’s something I can own here—then fine. Own it. And do it with humility without justifying your behavior. Apologize sincerely and work to help the relationship recover.
This week, I want you to keep track of your close relationships and notice when you feel hurt by what someone else thinks, feels, says, or does. If you keep allowing yourself to be hurt, this is evidence that you’re not using your protective boundary.
Good luck!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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