Ask For What You Need
When I’m feeling hurt, angry, or disappointed, one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for what I need in a loving way. Especially if it involves something related to my wife. Oh, I can pout, send nasty vibes, or make a stink with my bad behavior. Sure, that sends a message, but unfortunately, it doesn't tend to get me what I want, and it just pushes my wife away.
Asking for what you want or need is vulnerable. It takes courage. You risk the possibility of disappointment if your person has a bad moment and doesn’t come through for you. But the upside is that you are much more likely to get what you want when you ask for it.
What you’ll need to get over is that part of you that doesn’t want to ask. This part of you feels like the other person should just know what you want or need. It takes offense at the idea of speaking up in the moment and harbors resentment. It says things to you like:
“If this person really loved me, they would know what I need.”
“I’ve told them 100 times before, so they must just not care.”
“I guess I’ll just have to deal with this on my own.”
This stubborn part of you keeps you from getting what you want. It sabotages the opportunities you have to reconnect with others in a meaningful way. In a perfect world, yes, your spouse, partner, parents, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. would just know what you want or need. But (surprise, surprise) we don’t live in a perfect world.
I’ve been married fourteen years. There are still some things that I want to see differently from my wife. There are still things she wants to see differently from me. That’s life. But if we only focus on what we’re not getting, then we’ll wall off from each other, and relationally, we’ll be dead in the water. Long term, that is a recipe for disaster.
When I can get over the stubborn part of me that wishes things were different and just friggin’ ask for what I want in a loving, humble way, I often get it. Not always. I’m married to a human being, and she gets to have bad days just like me. But love and humility go a long way toward offering an olive branch to those we love.
It’s easy to default to complaining rather than asking. Let me give an example …
Complaining = “You never / You don’t / You always …. XYZ…”
You never write me little notes anymore. You’re not pursuing me.
Asking = “It means a lot when / would you be willing to/ I would like it if …”
I love getting notes from you. Would you do that again for me soon?
This difference is key - ask for what you do want/need vs complaining about what you don’t want/need.
Keep this in mind when you notice yourself wanting or needing something from another person. Ask for what you do want in a loving, humble way, and you’re more likely to get it. But you also need to release the outcome because you’re dealing with fellow humans, and nobody’s perfect.
Good luck!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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