Learn to Cherish with Golden Memories
As we continue in this month’s theme of Relational Generosity, I want to teach you a meditation practice called Golden Memories.
A Golden Memory is a moment from your past where you felt the embodiment of joy. And joy is inherently relational in nature. Therefore, golden memories are times when we felt connected to ourselves, others, and the world around us — maybe even a spiritual connection to God. It could be a small moment or a profound moment, like coffee with a friend, being at a favorite place with your favorite people, the birth of a child, or hiking to the top of a mountain, whatever.
Golden Memories are moments that still live in our minds and bodies. They are not “back there somewhere,” they are right here, right now, always available to us. If we learn to pay attention.
There is a principle in psychology that essentially goes, “You get more of what you pay attention to.” And when I’m working with couples in therapy, they are often focused on what is wrong, bad, or negative (in reality or in perception). They think that if they somehow really grind on a relational problem, then they’ll be able to fix it and get back to a place of connection, but for some reason, they just keep getting more of what they don’t want.
Here’s the kicker. If you only see your partner in a negative light, then nothing they do will ever be good enough for you. Your mind won’t allow it. In Relational Life Therapy, your negative default perception of your spouse or partner is called your Core Negative Impression (CNI); in other models, it might be referred to as Negative Sentiment Override.
So, if you want to change the dynamic of your relationship, yes, it will require being honest about what is difficult, but you must also create room for cherishing your partner. Cherishing is an active practice that coaches your mind and nervous system to remember that there is more to your relational story than what your CNI tells you. That’s where a Golden Memory practice can help.
The Practice:
Step 1) Find a quiet space and make yourself comfortable. Bring a memory to mind of your spouse or partner where you felt connected to them in a meaningful way. It could be big or small.
Step 2) Take a moment to notice the scene. Where are you? What do you see? What do you hear? Look at your spouse/partner in the memory. What do you notice about them?
Step 3) Notice how you feel in your own body as you recall this memory. What feelings or sensations do you recognize? Joy, Happiness, Laughter, Warmth, Safety, Lightness, Relaxation, Calm? Just be here for a moment, savor it.
Step 4) Next, ask yourself, “If this memory wanted me to remember something, what would it want me to know?” Note any takeaways. And then finish when ready.
I first learned this practice from a man who had cultivated a list of many Golden Memories throughout his life. And he would routinely meditate on them. Over time, this practice grew his capacity to remain joyful and relational. Recalling joy just feels nice for starters, but if we keep at it, we can train our brains to default to more joy. Remember, we get more of what we pay attention to.
So, if you want more Relational Generosity in your life. Learn the art of cherishing your partner. A Golden Memories meditation is just one way of doing that.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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