Shift Self-Criticism with Loving Kindness
Don’t you love your Inner Critic? It shows up at the best times. Right when you want to take a risk, put yourself out there, or better yourself, here comes that sneaky, mean little voice that absolutely tries to pull the rug out from under your feet.
You know you’re going to fail
You should be better than this
You’ve wasted so much time
You’re going to embarrass yourself
You’re a burden to others
On and on it goes. Interestingly, if you pay attention to your Inner Critic (or this tendency toward self-hate), you might notice that your Inner Critic isn’t exactly original. It tends to voice the same concerns over and over again. Yet, for some reason, we continue to approach our Inner Critic like a fish looking for a good worm to chomp, we take the bait and get hooked into a battle with our Inner Critic.
After years of getting hooked, you’d think we’d learn to slow down and realize that the negative thoughts that get tossed our way are just another worm on a hook. Wait a minute. These thoughts seem VERY familiar. Do I really want to bite on this?
However, catching this can be a challenge. Getting to the point where you can Notice your critical thoughts and Name them as simply that familiar voice and not anything absolute about your personhood takes practice.
One skill that I think helps soften us to ourselves and others is Loving-Kindness Meditation.
Loving-kindness meditation (LKM), also known as Metta meditation, is a practice from DBT and mindfulness traditions that helps cultivate compassion, love, and kindness—both for yourself and others. Here’s a step-by-step guided example:
A Step-by-Step Guide to Loving-Kindness Meditation
Step 1: Find a Comfortable Position
Sit or lie down in a relaxed position.
Close your eyes or soften your gaze.
Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.
Step 2: Direct Loving-Kindness Toward Yourself
Silently repeat the following phrases:
💙 May I be happy.
💙 May I be healthy.
💙 May I be safe.
💙 May I be at peace.
As you say these words, imagine yourself bathed in warm, golden light, filled with love and kindness.
Step 3: Extend Loving-Kindness to Others
Next, shift your focus outward, directing the same kind intentions to:
Someone you love
A neutral person
A challenging person
All living beings
Silently repeat:
💙 May you be happy.
💙 May you be healthy.
💙 May you be safe.
💙 May you be at peace.
Step 4: Return to the Present Moment
Bring your awareness back to your breath. Simply notice the gentle in-and-out rhythm, and when you feel ready, conclude your meditation.
This practice teaches us compassion toward ourselves and others over time. If aspects of it feel difficult, keep practicing it. The only reason our criticism of self and others feels “natural” is because we’ve practiced it repeatedly. This is common, but isn’t it kind of weird that saying nice things to ourselves seems false, wrong, or selfish, but crucifying ourselves with an onslaught of harshness somehow feels right, reasonable, and true?
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get off that crazy train.
Consider this your invitation to learn another way of relating to yourself and others. Rather than biting the baited hook of self-criticism, learn to Notice it, Name it, and then shift your attention to a practice like Loving-Kindness.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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