Change Your Self-Hate Using TIPPS
Do you ever find yourself caught in self-criticism, hopelessness, or shame spirals? If so, you may be struggling with self-hate. According to therapist Blaise Aguirre, self-hate is a common but often overlooked aspect of mental health. It manifests as a deep-seated contempt for oneself, making progress feel nearly impossible.
When we lack the tools to navigate our inner critic, we struggle to break free from its grip. Progress requires taking action in new, uncertain directions—without immediate results. When our efforts don’t yield quick success, self-hate resurfaces, telling us:
You’re so pathetic.
This is hopeless.
You’ll never make progress.
If you weren’t so lazy…
Nobody wants to be around you.
You’re such a burden.
What an absolute joke.
These thoughts aren’t absolute truths; they’re learned responses to discomfort and disappointment. Over time, self-hate can feel “natural,” while self-compassion can seem “fake.” However, this is simply because self-hate has been practiced repeatedly, while self-kindness has not.
We have a choice: allow self-hate to control us, or take steps to rewire our brains and see through the illusion of self-hate. One powerful tool for managing self-criticism and emotional distress is TIPPS.
Introducing TIPPS
TIPPS is a distress tolerance skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) designed to quickly regulate emotions and bring the body back to a calmer state. It is especially useful in moments of intense distress, crisis, or panic.
T – Temperature
Suddenly changing your body temperature can activate the dive reflex, slowing your heart rate and calming your nervous system.
Splash cold water on your face.
Hold an ice pack to your cheeks and around your eyes.
Submerge your face in cold water for 30 seconds.
I – Intense Exercise
Short bursts of physical activity help release excess energy and regulate emotions.
Do jumping jacks, push-ups, or run in place for a few minutes.
Take a brisk walk or jog.
P – Paced Breathing
Slow, controlled breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation.
Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 2, then exhale through your mouth for 6-8 seconds.
Try box breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4.
P – Paired Muscle Relaxation
Tensing and relaxing different muscle groups relieves physical tension.
Squeeze your fists tightly for 5-10 seconds, then release.
Raise your shoulders to your ears, hold, then relax.
S – STOP (Optional Addition)
Although not originally part of TIPPS, “STOP” is a helpful addition:
Stop what you’re doing.
Take a step back.
Observe your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.
Proceed mindfully.
When you feel flustered, angry, or overwhelmed by shame, recognize this as a signal to use TIPPS. In these moments, your survival brain takes over, operating from Fight, Flight, or Fix mode. This isn’t the calm, rational part of you—it’s an old program designed to protect you through self-criticism. But you can break the cycle.
By practicing TIPPS, you’ll return to your center more quickly, view your circumstances more clearly, and take more actions aligned with your values.
Reflection Question:
When you fall into self-hate patterns, what do you notice?
In your physical body?
In your emotions?
In your thoughts?
In your behaviors?
Let these experiences be a cue to slow down and practice TIPPS. You deserve patience, kindness, and the opportunity to move forward with self-compassion.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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