The Art of An Apology
Happy belated Valentine’s Day to you! I wanted to share something that can do wonders for your love life: the art of an effective apology. Chocolates, flowers, and sappy love letters are all well and good, but nothing builds trust in a relationship like humility.
A skillful apology involves three components: Specificity, Trends, and Character. (This relational tip, like many others, comes from Terry Real and his crew at Relational Life Therapy.)
Why these three? Because when someone is upset and venting frustration, they tend to follow a predictable—and escalating—pattern. It’s not especially helpful, but it’s very common. For example:
“You forgot to take out the trash! (specific)
And you always forget things like this! (trend)
This is more evidence that you’re a selfish, good-for-nothing, just like your father! (character)”
While this pattern isn’t very relational, most of us can recognize it. We start with a small, specific complaint and then blow it out of proportion in an effort to feel understood. There are better ways to address conflict—but that’s for a different Transformation Tips email.
When it comes to an artful apology, we proactively address each of these areas. The goal is to lovingly take ownership of our faults, de-escalate the situation, and help the other person feel understood. And that is deeply relational.
Here’s what it might sound like:
Specific: Yes, I’m sorry. I forgot to take out the trash.
Trend: And this is something I’ve done before, isn’t it?
Character: I think this behavior is about me. It’s a bit selfish, and I need to work on it.
Now, you can’t guarantee that this will land perfectly with your partner, spouse, or friend. But it’s far more effective than how people typically handle—or avoid—apologies. After working with many couples where one partner (often the guy) struggles to apologize well, I can tell you this simple formula would knock some people’s socks off. When I ask a spouse, “What would it be like if he apologized like this?” the response is often, “That would be incredible.”
There’s no defensiveness—just ownership. There’s an acknowledgment of the bigger picture without minimizing. And there’s courage and generosity in admitting you have real work to do. Amazingly, when this is done with sincerity and heart, it often melts the person across from you, because they feel genuinely understood.
So do your relationships—and your love life in particular—a favor: learn the art of an apology.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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