Embrace Relational Integrity
The only thing you can control in a relationship is yourself.
When couples or family systems work with me, they are often stuck in a cycle of mutual triggering. One person does or says something the other doesn’t like. Then the other responds in kind. Back and forth it goes, and before long, no one remembers how it started—only that it hurts.
The only surefire way to get off that crazy train is to keep your side of the relational street clean. This is called relational integrity. It means that when someone does something you don’t like, you commit to not dropping below the line of basic human decency.
That means:
You don’t meet sarcasm with sarcasm
You don’t meet a jab with a jab
You don’t wall off to punish your partner
You don’t pout or put out a stink
You don’t huff and puff or slam doors
You don’t endlessly vent your frustrations
You don’t go into resignation or shutdown mode
You don’t tell the other person what they’re thinking or feeling
You don’t shame or call names
You act like an adult.
Acting like an adult means allowing yourself to feel discomfort while maintaining good boundaries and keeping your love on. The person across from you may be having a bad moment—but that doesn’t mean you have to join them in it.
It also means remembering that the person in front of you is someone you love. And if they are acting poorly, it often has far more to do with what’s going on inside them than with you.
From this perspective, you can better discern what capacity you actually have in the moment. If you don’t have the capacity to respond well, no worries—you take a break until you do. Taking a break isn’t weakness. It’s taking responsibility for yourself so you don’t perpetuate your side of an unhelpful relational cycle. That is a very loving thing to do.
So here’s the question for this week:
What are your go-to moves when you feel upset by someone close to you?
Pay attention to them this week. Don’t give yourself a pass just because you feel hurt. Commit to keeping your side of the relational street clean. Doing so helps you step out of old relational patterns—and into something healthier.
Good luck!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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