Be Quick to Repair
This is our last week focusing on Radical Ownership. I hope this theme has been both an encouragement and a challenge to you. I know it has been for me. Every time I review it, I’m reminded that my old defensive tendencies are sneaky little buggers. I don’t mean for them to creep in, but sometimes they do, and it really helps when I remember things like …
Asking myself, “What does love require of me?”
Learning to spot my Adaptive Child responses
Dropping the moral superiority
These all help keep me on my relational side of the street.
The final aspect of Radical Ownership I want to focus on is relational repair.
Remember, it is normal to have moments where you feel disconnected from your partner. This should come as a relief. Remove the pressure to be perfect or OK all of the time. Healthy relationships naturally go through cycles of harmony, disharmony, and repair.
The key to getting back to harmony isn’t avoiding disharmony; it is being quick to repair.
Repair means coming back together, listening to understand (not defend), and then offering help and comfort the best you can.
Here is a key part of staying on your relational side of the street—own your part, no matter how small it may seem in comparison to your partner’s contribution. This is where I see many couples get stuck.
“I’m not going to apologize until you apologize!”
“Oh, you want to talk about me? What about you?!”
This approach will get you nowhere. Even if you feel your part is 10% of the issue and your partner owns 90% of the issue—own your part. And do it generously. You don’t need to own more than your part, but also don’t withhold repair because you feel your partner is more in the wrong and you’re waiting for them to go first.
Remember, Radical Ownership (or Relational Integrity) is an aspect of Relational Mindfulness. In this headspace, we are concerned about the entire ecosystem of our relationship. We don’t get stuck in me vs. you, tit for tat, or what is fair or unfair. We move toward what is loving, relational, and good for “us.”
This is truly a radical approach. We simply don’t do this very much in our culture. Our status quo is might makes right, win/lose, and survival of the strong, and so on. Choosing humility for the sake of another rather than making demands about our “rights” is counter-cultural. And any time we attempt radical ownership, it is an act of courage, because we are setting aside our ego. And that is not easy to do. But it will help you create a more loving relationship.
This week, as you work on Radical Ownership, be quick to repair. Don’t wallow in your resentment, disappointment, or hurt feelings. Make the move, go humble, and move toward your partner with generosity—own what is yours without making excuses. And then do what you can to help your partner out.
When you actively choose to stay on your side of the relational street, no matter how imperfect, to me, that is a heroic act. You are going against the flow of what feels natural for the sake of creating something better.
So, let me take this opportunity to say thank you for your willingness to grow your relational skills. I tip my hat to you. You are helping us form a more loving world, one interaction at a time. Keep up the good work!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
Want to support my work? Click the Tip Jar link below to help me create more free resources!
Want to receive Transformation Tips directly to your email?
Subscribe below!
