Overcome Self-hatred with Curiosity
Recently, I listened to a podcast with Dr. Blaise Aguirre, a psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. One experience common among people experiencing BPD is thoughts of self-harm. In his research of seeing over 5000 people, Blaise noted a consistent, yet rarely addressed, theme with those who have suicidal ideation - self-hatred.
We all experience a spectrum of self-criticism, but for some folks, self-hatred becomes a toxic, chronic, fixed belief that, in their opinion, is undeniable—they just truly are that awful.
Dr. Aguirre has championed taking on self-hatred right from the start because if you don’t help people learn tools to deal with their self-hatred and ride the waves of intense emotion, then whatever progress is made in therapy is built on a shaky foundation. Compassion, on the other hand, creates a more sturdy foundation that you can build upon. But self-compassion isn’t hard-wired in us. It needs to be learned and practiced.
Over the next couple of weeks, we will discuss three ways to help you practice self-compassion and combat self-hatred: Getting Curious, Practicing TIPPS, and Loving Kindness Meditation.
Today, I’m encouraging you to get curious about your story of self-hatred and how it developed. Self-hatred can be insidious. It’s like an invasive weed; if it gets a foothold, it can dominate the landscape of your mind. Curiosity helps us untangle and uproot self-hatred. Curiosity moves us from black-and-white thinking to a more nuanced understanding. And in that nuance is space for a different reality to take shape, namely one where we aren’t a worthless piece of crap. Perhaps we might even be OK? Dare we go further and consider we might actually be good and worthy of love and belonging?
Getting Curious. This is a journaling practice. Take some time to write out your story of self-hatred. What does it look like in your life today? How does it keep you stuck? Are you overly harsh toward yourself? Do you feel you are inherently broken, defective, useless, or doomed? Do you rage at yourself, deprive, or hurt yourself in any kind of way when faced with a disappointment or setback? Who were your teachers? How did you learn to treat yourself this way? Also, think back to some of your earliest birthdays. Can you imagine hating that sweet little kid? Do they deserve to be hated? (Obviously not) So, when did the shift happen that you started hating yourself, and why? If your tendency toward self-hatred was trying to help you and not hurt you, what is it trying to protect you from? Are there any areas in your life where you don’t hate on yourself? What is different about that version of you vs the one you tend to hate?
Awareness is the foundation of all positive change. Getting curious about your experience of self-hatred can help you catch yourself when you start to spiral, take a breath, and then refocus on the truth and regulate your body and mind. We don’t often think about it this way, but we can become addicted to self-hatred, just like a substance. The more we give in to it, the more our system expects it, is comfortable with it, and returns to it.
So, this week, take some time to reflect on your experience of self-hatred. Remember, curiosity helps us untangle and uproot default ways of thinking, feeling, and acting.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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