We are continuing our theme this month by looking at the 3 Key Parts of Self as taught in Relational Life Therapy. As a reminder, the three main parts of self are The Wounded Child, The Adaptive Child, and The Wise Adult.
Today, we are exploring the Wise Adult.
Have you ever felt hurt, angry, or wronged in some way, and found yourself just on the cusp of saying or doing something unkind—but then you paused, took a breath, and stopped yourself?
That is evidence of your Wise Adult at work.
The Wise Adult is the part of us that can use awareness and skills to change course when we feel our knee-jerk adaptive responses about to take over. The Wise Adult has the capacity to feel uncomfortable and still choose to act in a relational way.
And when we act relationally regardless of how others are acting, that is called relational integrity. It’s a commitment to keep our side of the street clean, regardless of what others do.
The Wise Adult has two key aspects: Healthy Self-Esteem and Functional Internal Boundaries.
Healthy self-esteem is about having a “same as” mentality with others, especially our intimate partners. Our Wise Adult is able to understand that we have value and that others have value, too. We are neither above nor below anyone else.
Functional internal boundaries are about being able to protect and contain ourselves in relationships with others.
When we protect ourselves, we don’t get bent out of shape and take other people’s bad behavior personally. We remind ourselves that their behavior is about them.
And when we feel hurt or angry, we don’t lash out to return hurt for hurt. Instead, we exercise empathy. We contain the parts of us that want to yell, blame, pout, wall off, or threaten.
When we have good functional internal boundaries, we are better able to remain present in our intimate relationships—even during conflict. We seek to listen in order to understand, and then try to give whatever we can to help the relationship.
We also learn to speak up for ourselves in a way that helps the person across from us know that we care about them.
Here is a little checklist to help you know if you are in your Wise Adult:
The Wise Adult is: nuanced, realistic, forgiving, flexible, warm, yielding, humble, relaxed in the body, and thinking long-term.
If you’re not in this headspace, that is your cue to take some time for yourself—to center, reconnect with yourself, and actively remember love.
The Adaptive Child in us wants to be right.
The Wise Adult in us wants to be in relationship.
Sometimes, we need a little help getting back to a relational frame of mind.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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