Setting Limits with Your Adaptive Child
We are continuing on with our exploration of the 3 Key Parts of Self. Relational Life Therapy (RLT) has a shorthand parts model that I find very helpful for growing in self-awareness. The three key parts of Self are:
The Wounded Child
The Adaptive Child
The Wise Adult
Each of these correlates to specific brain states and behaviors, so it’s helpful to reflect on these parts in order to get a better handle on how we show up in our relationships.
Today we’re exploring the Adaptive Child.
In short, the Adaptive Child is your knee-jerk, reactive behavior when you feel relationally triggered. It is protective in nature, but also immature, and can be quite harsh. While our Wounded Child carries pain from the past, the Adaptive Child is always on the lookout to prevent further harm.
That’s not all bad. It’s good to be mindful and protect ourselves. It’s just that the Adaptive Child does it in ways that it learned long ago. It could have picked up protective tendencies anywhere from birth up to being a teenager.
Here are some qualities of your Adaptive Child at work:
Harsh. Relentless. Black-and-white thinking. Rigid. Certain. Tight/tense in the body.
The Adaptive Child in us does not do nuance or give the benefit of the doubt. It just KNOWS. It thinks its perspective is 100% accurate, and by God, it will dig its heels in and fight or wall off as it needs to in order to avoid further hurt.
When triggered, the Adaptive Child in us loses the ability to think relationally. It is focused on “me and mine.” Therefore, if we are going to deal with our partners in a more generous way, it is vital that we learn to notice our Adaptive Child at work and set limits with it.
Setting Limits With Your Adaptive Child
The first way to set some limits with your Adaptive Child is to commit to a Zero Contempt Policy.
Terry Real is fond of saying, “There is no redeeming value in harshness.” And he’s right. Whether that harshness is directed at others or ourselves, contempt only does harm.
Before we rail on our partner, or rake ourselves over the coals, we need to pause and ask ourselves three questions:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
If your answer is “No” to any of these, then you need to shut your trap and take a purposeful timeout. First, get yourself regulated and actively work to remember you love your partner. Then find a way to speak up for yourself that will give your partner the best shot of knowing you are on their team.
Reflection
When you feel triggered in your intimate relationship, what are your go-to moves?
Do you wall off, argue your point, get pouty, send a volley of complaints, get loud, or yell?
And if you had to guess, where did you learn this behavior? Did anyone in your family do similar things, or is your protective behavior a response to someone else’s bad behavior?
Take some time to think on it.
We all come by our adaptive tendencies honestly. It’s not our fault, per se, as our Adaptive Child did its best to cope with the information that it had.
So, there is an opportunity to be grateful for this part of us, but we also must rein it in and remind it that there are now better ways of handling things.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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