Helpful Relational Strategies
When it comes to our most intimate relationships, many of us fall into a common trap: waiting until something goes wrong before we act. Reactivity often leads to defensiveness, hurt feelings, and further distance. But what if we approached our relationships with proactive care instead of damage control?
I try to encourage my clients to build healthier connections by being intentional, mindful, and forward-thinking. A powerful framework I often share comes from renowned relationship therapist Terry Real, who outlines Five Winning Strategies for thriving intimacy. Practicing these strategies consistently helps shift your relationships from cycles of conflict to cycles of connection.
Here’s how you can start being proactive today:
1. Advocate for What You Want
Don't wait until resentment builds. Speak up early and clearly about your needs and desires. Remember, your partner can't read your mind. Advocating is not demanding—it’s sharing yourself vulnerably and authentically.
2. Speak To Make Things Better
Before you open your mouth, ask yourself: Will this comment help the situation? Venting anger without direction only creates more pain. Speak with the goal of healing, improving, or deepening your bond—not just unloading frustration.
3. Listen To Understand
True listening is a gift. Instead of mentally preparing your rebuttal while your partner talks, stay present. Seek to fully understand their perspective before responding. It’s amazing how much smoother conflicts resolve when both people feel heard.
4. Respond With Generosity
When tensions rise, it’s tempting to mirror defensiveness with defensiveness. Instead, try responding with kindness and curiosity. Generosity in tough moments—offering the benefit of the doubt or a soft response—can defuse even the most charged situations.
5. Cherish What You Have
It’s easy to focus on what’s missing or imperfect. But relationships flourish when we nurture gratitude and affection. Make a habit of noticing the good, appreciating small gestures, and celebrating each other’s strengths.
By practicing these Five Winning Strategies, you lay a strong, proactive foundation for lasting intimacy. Being proactive doesn't mean avoiding problems—it means tending to your relationship regularly, just as you would a garden. Little acts of care today prevent major ruptures tomorrow.
What is one Winning Strategy that you need to focus on this week?
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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