Repair is for Realists
Have you ever found yourself daydreaming about what life would be like if interactions with your partner were just peachy keen, day in and day out? It’s a nice fantasy. But that’s the kicker. It’s just a fantasy.
You aren’t in a relationship with Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. You are in a relationship with an imperfect human being. (Hint hint … so is your partner! )
That means it would behoove us to adopt a flexible, realistic view of our relationship. If we keep waiting for that magical day when our trouble is behind us forever, we will be very disappointed. And we will likely miss out on the good we do have available to us.
This sentiment reminds me of a saying from Terry Real that goes something like, “It’s time to work with the partner you have rather than the one you think you deserve.”
This mentality is an appeal to our Wise Adult self - the more centered, loving, spiritual, and reasonable aspect of ourselves. It’s an approach that understands that miscommunications, bumps in the road, and sometimes even significant rutprues are part of being human.
Does it suck on some days? Yep.
Does it mean we’re doomed to a life of misery? Nope.
Not if we embrace repair.
Repair is our theme this month, and one vital aspect of repair is understanding that all human relationships are inherently imperfect. It is not our rough edges that produce prolonged relational misery; it is more due to our lack of repair.
However, if we don’t allow our brains to see our partner through a lens of grace and assumed good faith, we will be closed off to repair. We won’t be able to work with the real person in front of us. And we won’t be able to receive what they can give us - we'll be continually stewing over what we feel they should give us.
Research by Dr. Tronic suggests that all relationships are in a consistent cycle of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair. Over and over again. This is normal. The really interesting thing he notes is that trust is built through effective repair – NOT by everything being perfect.
We should take this as a great encouragement. Say goodbye to your need for perfection. Say hello to a grace-filled “good enough.” No need to be Superman or Superwoman. Regular old everyday human is just fine.
That means you have what you need to cultivate a meaningful relationship.
But in order to be open to repair, you must have a realistic view of relationships, one that allows for imperfections while still staying warm and engaged with the person across from you.
That’s why I say that repair is for realists.
Fantasy leads to fighting. Hopelessness leads to hiding. Realism leads to repair.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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