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I hope you’ve kept all of your fingers and toes intact after your various Independence Day celebrations. 😀
Just like fireworks, sometimes relationships can be explosive too. Little ruptures are no big deal, but when things get heated, we can really put on a show. Unfortunately, it’s not a happy show. Big, prolonged fights hurt our relationships.
In order to prevent ruptures from sabotaging our love, we need to learn the skill of Repair (which is also going to be our theme this month!)
Today, I want to give you 3 simple keys for healthy repair. But first, remember, repair is about remembering that you love the person across from you, want to be connected, and so you own your side of the street, and show up as lovingly and clearly as you can with an intent to help your partner.
Some conflict is normal in relationships. Thriving relationships and struggling relationships can have a similar level of conflict, but how they handle it is very different. In short, healthy couples get good at repair.
3 Keys to Healthy Repair:
Check Yourself: Before you attempt a repair, check yourself. Determine if your relational brain is online enough to remember that you want to have a good connection with the person across from you. If you feel like you’re about to blast them, are desperate for their love, want to shut down, or feel apt to get drawn into an argument, you are probably not in a space to attempt repair. You need to center first. Repair is about showing up in good faith, but also releasing the outcome.
Keep it about ONE thing: Effective repair attempts deal with one thing or one moment. They are short and to the point. “That comment you made at dinner hurt my feelings.” That’s the basic flow….You did or said X, and I felt Y. Do NOT go on and on. Your partner has a decent chance of handling one, clear piece of feedback, but if you vent and rehash the past, you will lose them. They will get defensive, and you will feel frustrated.
Don’t quibble: Respond generously to your partner and then let it go. Don’t argue details. If they bring up a hurt, acknowledge it, validate their experience, and reassure them. Then drop it. You will shoot yourself in the foot if you then turn and make the moment about you and your perspective. Being generous doesn’t mean you agree with your partner’s perception. Let go of needing to be right. Remember, you can be factually right, but relationally wrong.
Keep these ideas in mind as you continue to enjoy the summer with your spouse, partner, friends, and family. Repair doesn’t have to be a big deal. It can be short and sweet. And when it is, we often get back to feeling better much more quickly.
Good luck!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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