The holiday season is here.
And while the holidays can be a wonderful time of connection, celebration, and tradition, they can also put a surprising amount of pressure on our relationships.
There are travel plans. Family obligations. Finances. Gifts. Meals. Traditions. Whose family you’re visiting—and for how long. Add a few strong opinions and a little accumulated resentment, and suddenly something that is supposed to bring us together can become a source of conflict.
So this month, I want to talk about Teamworking the Holiday.
One of the most important shifts we can make in a committed relationship is moving from “me” to “we.”
That doesn't mean giving up what you want or becoming a doormat. It means remembering that your relationship is a team, and the goal isn't for one person to win. The goal is to find a way forward that takes both people into account.
That requires a few things.
First, get clear about expectations.
Don't assume your partner (or extended family) knows what you want—or that they have the same vision you do. Talk about it. What traditions matter to you? What are you hoping for? What are you dreading? What does a successful holiday season look like for each of you?
Second, learn to negotiate.
You probably aren't going to get everything you want, exactly the way you want it. Neither is your partner. That's not a failure. That's what it means to share a life with another person.
Healthy relationships aren't built around getting your way. They're built around finding ways for both people to matter.
And finally, bring ideas to the table.
It's easy to point out what you don't want: “I don't want to spend three days at your parents' house.”
It's much more helpful to bring a solution: “What if we stayed two nights and then had Christmas morning at home?”
Don't just bring problems. Bring possibilities.
The holidays don't have to be perfect. In fact, they probably won't be.
But they can be an opportunity to practice something much more important: remembering that we are on the same team.
This month, let's explore what it looks like to build a holiday season—and a relationship—that works for both of you.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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