Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries: They're Not What Most People Think
It seems like I hear people talking about boundaries everywhere these days—podcasts, TV shows, social media, conversations with friends and family. Overall, I think that's a good thing.
The problem is that boundaries are often misunderstood.
Over the next month, we'll be exploring healthy boundaries from a relational perspective. If you've ever wondered whether you're being too rigid, too accommodating, or just aren't sure where healthy boundaries begin and end, I hope this series brings some clarity.
So...What Are Boundaries?
In the simplest terms, boundaries are self-imposed limits that protect what matters most to you.
That's it.
Boundaries can involve your physical space, how and when you want to be touched, what you will and won't participate in within a relationship, how you spend your time, or even the limits you place on your own behavior—including how you talk to yourself.
Notice the emphasis on your behavior.
From a Relational Life Therapy perspective, boundaries aren't about controlling another person. They're about taking responsibility for yourself while remaining connected to the relationship whenever possible. Healthy boundaries are an expression of self-respect and respect for the other person.
They're not walls designed to keep people out.
Sometimes we do need walls for a season—especially when safety is at stake—but the goal isn't isolation. The goal is discernment. Healthy boundaries help us protect what matters while staying as loving, honest, and relational as we can.
The Most Common Boundary Mistake
One of the most common misunderstandings I hear sounds something like this:
"My boundary is that you won't yell at me."
While I completely understand the desire behind that statement, it isn't actually a boundary.
It's a request.
A perfectly reasonable request, perhaps—but still a request.
A true boundary is something you have the ability to carry out.
For example:
"If you continue speaking disrespectfully to me in public, I'm going to stop attending social events with you for a while."
The boundary isn't that the other person must stop speaking disrespectfully. You can't control that.
The boundary is your decision about what you will do if that behavior continues.
Healthy boundaries are always enforceable because they depend on your choices—not someone else's.
Boundaries Begin With You
One of the biggest lessons I teach couples is that many of our most important boundaries aren't directed at our partner—they're directed at ourselves.
Your spouse says something irritating.
Your adaptive child wants to fire back.
Your nervous system starts preparing for battle.
A healthy boundary might sound like this:
"I'm not going to let my hurt feelings. I decide what comes out of my mouth next."
You pause.
You breathe.
You choose to stay relational instead of reactive.
That, too, is a boundary.
In RLT, we often say that mature love isn't about getting our partner to behave exactly the way we'd like. It's about learning to manage ourselves well enough that we can remain honest, respectful, and connected—even when things get difficult.
That's where healthy boundaries begin.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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