Make the First Move
As we wrap up this month’s theme of repair, I want to encourage you to adopt a relational posture.
And that is … be willing to make the first move.
In my work with couples, I see resistance to making the first move surface in two main areas.
First, it’s with men who are walled off. They were not taught how to repair. And their families growing up either simply didn’t address things like hurt feelings, or things were so chaotic that they adapted by closing themselves off. In short, being proactive, humble, and intentional with repair can feel like a foreign language. It’s not that they’re against it per se. It just doesn’t compute. They’ve learned to take it on the chin and move along, so why can’t their partner do the same?
Second, it is with women who are boundaryless. They have tended to overfunction in their relationships, and perhaps have often tried to be the one who initiated connection for years, and then at some point a part of them snaps and says Nope, not going to do that anymore. I’m done. They were often expected to carry too much responsibility in their families growing up. Sometimes they have been caring for others for many years, and now they are exhausted and want someone else to take the lead for once.
There are always exceptions, of course, but I do see these themes fairly frequently. Both can be hesitant to make the first move, and for very understandable reasons.
But in Relational Life Therapy, we invite clients to practice what is called relational integrity. That means inviting each individual to commit to keeping their side of the relationship clean, regardless of what their partner does or doesn’t do.
Young, immature parts of us rebel against initiating repair. They form thoughts in our head like This isn’t fair! But our wise adult self - our more grounded, true self - isn’t primarily concerned with what is fair, but rather with what love requires.
If we have an opportunity to practice relational integrity by making the first move in repair, then we just do it. Fair has nothing to do with it. It’s about taking responsibility for the kind of person you want to be and what kind of relationship you want to have. Then you release the rest.
So, the next time something feels off between you and your partner, make the first move. Get in there and try to make things better.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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