Use “I” statements
As we continue with this month’s Transformation Tips theme - How to Speak Up - I want to give you one of the most essential and practical guidelines for speaking up in a way that is helpful, and that tip is:
Using “I” statements.
“I” statements help you keep your relational side of the street clean. The key to speaking up for yourself is to keep it about yourself primarily.
I feel …
I think …
I would like …
The story in MY head is …
These guardrails keep you focused on your experience and help you share it in a way that your partner can have a better chance of hearing you and not getting defensive. However, make sure to remember that using an “I” statement does not give you permission to dump whatever you want on your partner. Again, be mindful of how you speak to them.
I’ve heard many people say a sentence like “Well, I feel like you don’t really love me, and that you always choose yourself, and you feel like you are entitled to take me for granted.” And then when their partner gets defensive, they respond with, “But I’m just sharing my feelings!”
Yikes! ❌ Nope, that won’t cut it. That’s not sharing your feelings, that’s venting your perception. If you’re sharing a feeling, then share a feeling - I feel … happy, loving, sad, hurt, disappointed, fearful, disgusted, guilty, ashamed, etc.
Another key to speaking up for yourself is to keep it clear, short, and loving. Going on and on isn’t helping your partner feel any closer to you. So, make up your mind to be brief, believe the best, and risk some vulnerability.
Using “I” statements does truly feel more vulnerable, because it is. Rather than beating around the bush or projecting our frustration, we are flat out taking responsibility for what we want. And we may get it, or we may not get it. If not, then we will feel some disappointment - that’s life.
But if we don’t risk speaking up, the chances of our partner magically showing up for us in a different way is slim to none. Because they can’t read our minds. I can hear some of you thinking, But Tom, I’ve shared SO OFTEN! They should know better by now.
Yes, perhaps you’re right.
But you can either sit back with your arms folded, waiting for them to change, or you can roll up your sleeves and get back to working on your relationship. I suggest the latter. But it’s up to you.
Using an “I” statement is a great way to lovingly work on your relationship by speaking up.
A challenge for you: Consider one area of your life where you need to speak up for yourself. Then put that want/need/desire into short, clear, loving “I” statements. Practice it if needed. Then give it a go.
You can do this!
I feel happy to be in your corner 😄,
Tom Page, LCPC
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