Focus on the future
We are in our third week of the theme "How to speak up."
Healthy, thriving relationships speak up for what they want and need. They don’t do this perfectly, but they try to be mindful about how they approach their partner and do their best to assume good faith.
However, if you have had some real difficulties in your marriage or relationship, that can be easier said than done at times.
We may have years of hurt stored up. Feelings stuffed down, frustrations unaddressed. Then, when we get worked up, it all comes spilling out, and we rehash the past.
It’s understandable, it’s just not very functional. Your partner can’t change the past. They can at best listen and apologize, but all they can really do is act differently moving forward. This brings us to a helpful mindset for speaking up for yourself with love. And that involves:
Moving from a past/negative focus to a future/positive focus.
A Past/Negative focus looks like ruminating on the past, taking your partner to task in your mind, holding resentment, withholding forgiveness, and potentially rehashing old difficulties with them over and over. It is all about what you didn’t and don’t like.
While this pattern might be understandable, it just doesn’t work very well.
Instead, we need to shift to a Future/Positive focus when speaking up with love. This means inviting your partner to do something in the present that will help you feel better. This is all about what you do like and will like moving forward. It is painting a picture of what your ideal future together might look like and then inviting your partner to help build that vision with you.
Here’s an example:
Past/Negative: “You forgot the trash again. Ugh. You always forget the trash. This is just like everything else in our marriage. You don’t pull your weight. I have to do everything.”
This might seem harsh, but communication like this is very common. It’s unhelpful. But very common.
Future/Positive: “I know you love me and want to help out. As a favor to me, in the future, would you be more mindful of handling the trash on trash day? That would help me feel like you’re on my team.”
See the shift? With the Future/Positive approach, you’re leading with what you do want and what would help you, rather than venting about what you don’t want and all your baggage connected to the past.
Now, if you’re thinking, Tom, why would I do this? Don’t they have a responsibility to own their crap and show up better?
Absolutely. But a relationship is a SYSTEM. And the more you vent, complain, or control, the more you’re going to get defensiveness or shutdown in return. It’s a pattern. The more you focus on the past/negative, the more you will get the past/negative. But the more you focus on the future/positive, the more you help create opportunities for a positive future.
One approach keeps you stuck, but leaves you feeling vindicated (Past/Negative). The other opens a door for change, but leaves you feeling vulnerable (Future/Positive).
True intimacy requires vulnerability, so I’d suggest you go with that latter.
A challenge for you: Think of something you don’t like in your current intimate relationship. Then flip it around. If your spouse or partner were to actually do something different that was positive, what would that be? Then consider making a soft pitch to them about what you would like to be different in the future.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
Want to support my work? Click the Tip Jar link below to help me create more free resources!
Want to receive Transformation Tips directly to your email?
Subscribe below!
