Ask permission to give feedback
Have you ever had someone give you unsolicited feedback? It doesn’t typically land very well, does it? We might notice ourselves walling off, placating, or getting defensive.
I think most of us have had this experience. And if we’re honest, we probably have done this to others occasionally too.
In intimate relationships, we must be willing to speak up about what we’re wanting, but it can be difficult to navigate. Even though we mean well, we can find conversations quickly going off the rails. And if that dynamic becomes a pattern, it can be really frustrating and disappointing.
But there is a little trick that can help set you up for success that is often missed.
This month we are exploring the theme: How to Speak Up. And today’s transformation tip is about asking permission.
Asking permission to give your spouse or partner feedback is a helpful tool to make sure that you’re both on the same page before having a consequential conversation.
In counseling speak, asking permission to give feedback is called contracting. It means you both know what you’re getting into — there is agreement. And this is essential for setting up consequential conversations to have the best possible outcome.
Practically, this could be as simple as …
“Is it OK if I give you some feedback about ________________?” (how we do chores, our interaction last night, how you reacted to the kids, etc.)
If your partner says, “Yes,” then great — you’re good to proceed with giving short, clear feedback. But if your partner says “No,” or if their behavior and body language suggest a strong “No,” then that is a sign it will be best to wait and try the conversation later.
Additionally, before you ask permission to give feedback, you need to ask yourself a few questions:
Am I in a relational mindset where I am wanting to work on making the relationship better?
Do I know what I am actually wanting from my partner?
Am I prepared to release the outcome of this conversation?
If you answer “No” to any of these, that’s another sign that you might need to slow down, center yourself, and get clarity.
Many couples’ attempts at difficult or consequential conversations go sideways because they are not ready to work as a team, they don’t know what they want (they’re just mad or hurt), and they are not ready to surrender the outcome. Therefore, what could be a simple, straightforward repair attempt turns into a long, clunky, back-and-forth “processing” session where neither person feels much closer to the other at the end.
Asking permission to give feedback is not a guarantee that what you have to say will be received with generosity, but it does increase your chances.
I used to lean into hard conversations while my wife was in the middle of something. I wouldn’t ask permission to have the conversation. I just had a story in my head that went: If she cared about me, she’d pay attention to what I was saying. Then, if the conversation went poorly, I’d be frustrated with her.
What I was missing was the fact that there was another human being in the equation. Another human being with her own thoughts, feelings, and things she was dealing with. It was unreasonable for me to assume she should just drop everything and pay attention to me. Even if she would want to talk, it’s possible she simply wasn’t ready at that moment.
Now, I’m much better at asking permission to give feedback, and we are able to sidestep my old patterns of clunky starts to consequential conversations.
So, as you grow in speaking up, keep summoning your courage to be honest with your partner. Be willing to give them short, clear, loving feedback. But before you dive in, remember to ask permission.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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