Tone Over Content
We are now in our fourth week, looking at the theme: How to speak up.
And for this week's tip, I am going to let you in behind the scenes of one of the things RLT therapists look for when assessing the dynamics in a relationship. And that little nugget is tone.
Generally, when working with a couple, a rule of thumb is that tone trumps content.
Meaning, tone is the primary skill to master; content is secondary.
If one partner is screaming at the other, “Don’t you see that I love you!?! Don’t you see all that I’m doing to help this family!?!” … the message gets lost in the delivery.
All the other partner will hear is “AAAHHH I HATE YOU!” None of the nice things will get through because content is very hard to digest when the tone is harsh or sarcastic.
Here’s a good rule of thumb. If you wouldn’t say it to your grandma like that, don’t say it that way to somebody else.
If only we could keep a grandma with us at all times. This world might be a bit more hospitable! Can you imagine saying something harsh or sarcastic to your partner or kids with your grandma sitting right next to you? Just as you’re about to complain, yell, slam things, put out a stink, or poke with a well-crafted barb, there is Grandma Helen. Big smile. Bigger hair. Thick glasses. Just absolutely beaming at you.
Woof. We’d quickly choke down whatever nastiness was on the tip of our tongue.
Of course, some of you are probably thinking Tom, my grandma is the one who taught me to be harsh and sarcastic! Ok, yes, I get that there are exceptions to my silly example, but you get the gist, right?
In intimate relationships, how we share words is just as (or more) important as the words themselves.
Healthy relationships speak up for what they want and need, but you’ll get further and feel better about yourself if you speak up with gentleness and warmth.
And if you’re not in a place to keep your tone in check, then that’s your cue to ZIP IT.
Pause, slow down. Don’t let yourself off the hook. If you come too hot and heavy, the message will get lost. Being mindful of your tone increases the likelihood that your message will land.
Here’s to working on your tone by embracing your inner grandma. 👵🏼
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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