The Simplest Repair Move
Here is the most basic repair move that I know. Are you ready?
It is saying …“I am sorry.”
That’s it. Not rocket science, obviously, but you’d be surprised (or maybe not!) just how challenging it can be to get those three little words out of our mouths.
These words can get stuck behind thoughts like That isn’t fair! That’s not what I meant! This is ridiculous! It’s always about you! Nothing I say is ever good enough! I’m not apologizing until YOU apologize! Why is this such a big deal? Can we just move this thing along?
Sound familiar? Yeah, it does for me anyway.
As tough as it can be to give someone a simple, heartfelt apology, it is amazing how quickly I see people soften when their partner goes humble in a therapy session. A couple may be arguing, defending, walled off, or whatever, and then one of them takes a deep breath and says something like … “Hey, I’m really sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll try to do better to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
And then - boop - a little shift happens. It’s like the tension gets released. Angry partners tend to come down off their high horse. Partners in a pity party tend to brighten up. Walled-off folks come out of their shell. Not always, but often.
And honestly, sometimes as I watch this unfold, I still think to myself … huh, I can’t believe that actually worked!
I think simple apologies tend to “work” because people don’t feel like they have to fight against or run away from humility. Humility is like waving the white flag of surrender. I don’t want to fight or be right; I just want to be close to you. Humility acts like an invitation to re-engage in a loving relationship.
So here is the big idea: Repair Requires Humility.
Check your hurt feelings. Check your need to be right. Check your self-righteous indignation.
Practice humility. Lean in and be quick to offer a sincere apology. Simply say, “I am sorry.” Your chances of reconnecting with your partner will increase significantly.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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